Last February I started this. I wanted to draw a picture of the members of my Research Group at Cambridge–The Psychometrics Centre. Time went by, I’m not a part of the group anymore, and I increasingly felt like it would be a super outdated, irrelevant piece…I still wanted to finish it though… and I still hope to (hopefully before Feb 2016 >_<)
I don’t share very often about feelings or experiences of love and romance in my life, but maybe, February 10th of each year will eventually become my typical day for exposition along such lines. It’s quite like me to want to publicly express myself through writing and art, yet still keep a certain cloak over what’s really there—revealing the form of what I feel and experience, without lifting the veil to let the features show….because it’s difficult to lay open the barest of my thoughts, feelings and emotions; I feel exposed, vulnerable, hardly a picture of perfection– and on occasion, repulsive. With time though, it becomes easier to reveal ‘the hidden’…but also, it often becomes more unnecessary to do so—a win-win situation if ever there was one. I’ve spent a long time worried that I’m destined to be alone, wondering whether ‘someday’ will again come when I feel loved in my ‘Kalifaness’. I spent years pondering on the ‘what ifs?’ What if I’m incapable of loving? What if I’m incapable of being loved? What if I never reach the point of emotional maturity enough to enjoy the beauty, and survive the challenges, of a relationship? These have been sobering thoughts, sometimes only barely missing the mark in becoming ‘depressing’ and stagnating, but…
‘Someday’ came. 🙂
….and now I smile every day in the continuing presence of the age which began on that day.
It’s wonderful, freeing and beautiful to have been caught and to be held; to have found (/been discovered by) someone with the strength and patience to catch me now that I’ve allowed myself to fall. Someone finds my me-ness attractive—as awkward, emotional, and sometimes contentious as it is…’pew boop boop boop’ >_< It’s wonderful knowing that. Though I know that we’re still in the ‘baby stage’ of our relationship, and my feelings of foofy-ditzy- joy should be expected to temper out, I feel at ease knowing that the foundation and instigation of it all was a great friendship and sincere, mutual care, concern and liking. Having him around has instilled me with a greater sense of peace and contentment that feels almost alien in its rarity—but the alienesque rarity of that feeling is exactly what allows it to feel and be so natural, so close, so real, so special. It’s comforting to be able to return/concurrently exchange the gifts of ‘supporting’, ‘appreciating’, ‘knowing’, ‘caring’, ‘laughing’; ‘loving’….and I hope to continue exchanging those gifts with him for a long time to come.
“We know the signs are too dark to see,
Close your eyes and lean in to me” –Mononoke