I think it may be slightly cheesy to post something about love on Valentine’s Day, so I’m sharing this now. I’m generally a bit lethargic when it comes to love…yes, I’d love to be romanced, fall in love, feel comfortable giving up some of my independence and relying on a special someone: all that mushy stuff; BUT….
…BUT I fall into the category of people who say, think, act, see, notice, react, feel ‘BUT…’. It spares me from a lot of pain, heartache, frustration and trying when I easily see every problem with a potential relationship. It saves me from a lot, keeps me from a lot, spares me from a lot of things…things like bruises, concussions, scrapes, cuts and all the types of injuries that might be associated with falling.
I think that for most of my life, on almost every occasion, I’ve looked at the idea of falling in love, dating, letting my guard down as a risk that’s bound to end in bruises and scars. To some extent, probably to a large extent, I still do hold this view. However, my perspective has changed a bit in the past months. I still think of the buts…
•Do you want to go out on a date Kalifa?
…but it ultimately won’t work out.
•I really like you Kalifa.
…but you don’t know what you’re trying to get yourself into, I’ll only disappoint you.
•I’m willing to take that risk.
…but I’m not. We won’t be able to give each other what we each want.
•How do you know if you never allow yourself to fall in love?
…but if I let myself fall then maybe I’ll…
•Then I’ll catch you.
•I’ll catch you.
…but you might catch me; breaking up, bruising, scarring isn’t inevitable.
It’s always risky when you close your eyes, fall back, and for a moment float in space…light, unstable, waiting to see whether the ground or someone’s arms will break your fall. It’s our perspective of that moment when we’re free-falling, momentarily not knowing up from down, slightly confused–feeling both scared and excited –that decides whether we choose to love or be alone. I was pretty much stuck in the train of thought that falling back would inevitably lead to something being broken, but now I say, think, act, see, notice, react, feel that maybe someone will be there, someone will be able and maybe someone will be willing to catch me: someday.
I’m not sure when though. The reason my perspective has changed over the past few months is because I had leaned back. I allowed myself to fall, I briefly floated…and someone’s arms were open to catch me; and he did catch me, and held me: for a moment. It was a beautiful moment, with one of the most amazing (albeit slightly* weird and annoying) people ever, and a large part of me wishes that it won’t end. But then I fell. I rolled away. I still fell… It hurt. My legs were still wobbly from all the time floating in confusion, and I wasn’t yet ready to walk by the time he was ready to let me go so I could stand again…. it’s no fun watching someone under strain.
I’ve come to believe again though that it’s not that bad to risk a cut, or scar for the chance of being caught, held, loved and being gently lowered onto my feet until I can stand again. Maybe in the future I’ll recover more quickly from the free-fall and be able to stand steadily , or maybe in the future someone who is able/willing to more slowly lower me onto my feet again will catch me. I don’t know when it will happen…but I’m growing stronger and there will also be someone with the strength and patience to catch me when I allow myself to fall.